Last night, drifting off to sleep with the helpful cocktail of weed and sleeping pills, my mind ran a movie of my affair with the coffee shop girl who shall from this point on be known as “Veins”. It was a dirty, sweaty, sexy movie that appeared to take place in the south due to copious amounts of sweat and small amount of clothing. Over and over again, me placing my finger in the divet in her chin, her pushing me against the counter of her coffee shop…and so on and so on.
I’d love to follow Lila’s advice and hit on Veins. Perhaps she is one of the lesbians that love to fuck girls who love cock. Though she does not strike me as a game player or a braggart. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to hit on girls.
Years ago when I was a young pup of 18 I would go to “gay” night at my small town’s only night club. “Gay” night was really just a night for everyone who couldn’t go to the club on regular nights without getting beat up. It was a mix of actual gay kids, goths, punks and geeks. We all came together because we wanted to dance and this shitty club playing bad top 40 hits was the only place within 6 hours to do so. I would swagger in wearing thrift store men’s dress pants cinched low on my hips and a little boy’s T-ball shirt. A vast expanse of flat midriff exposed, stretching between jutting hip bones. (Speaking of which, what i wouldn’t give for that fucking stomach again!) I’d dance with my friends, drink in the parking lot, hunt for straight boys or cute girls that didn’t look super butch. One night, this statuesque goth girl in a vinyl corset glided up to me and shoved a strip of condoms into my hand.
“One for every time we fuck,” she whispered into my ear while clutching me to her. Then she strutted away, laughing and glancing over her shoulder at me while I stood there dumbly staring at the condoms. My little 18 year old brain was spinning uselessly. Why would we need condoms? Was she a dude? Did I need to put one on my hand? I ran to tell me friends what had happened and they were equally dumbstruck.
The point of that story? Is that I was too busy trying to figure out the logic behind the pick up line to go chasing after this hot piece of goth action. (Though for the record I’ve never been terribly attracted to goth girls. But seeing as there were probably about 30 gay girls in town, beggars couldn’t be choosers.)
I don’t know how to react when women hit on me. Nor do I have the slightest idea how to hit on them. Men are so easy. I’m a funny girl, all I have to do is banter and occasionally insult them and bring them down a peg or two. But hitting on a girl is a horse of a different color, isn’t it?
I try to think of the ways that I’ve been hit on by men that were successful but can’t think of any. Generally being hit on while at work is very awkward. If you shut the person down then they most likely will go out of their way to avoid your establishment forever. I like that coffee shop and I’d like to keep going there.
So, how, dear readers, do I go about striking up a friendship with Veins that will lead to rabid making out in the bathroom of the coffee shop? Suggestions?
You know I’ll gladly make a fool of myself for you guys.
Oh and on the cock side of things, Hipster Art Fag (the nickname he requested) and I have been texting our thumbs off but we’ve yet to meet again in person. He somehow found my blog through some internet sluthing which is hilarious because I never told him I had one. He magically found it through stalking me. Cute. The boy gives damn good text, I’ll give him that. And his last GF was 37 so him being 25 doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. It’s at the point where we’ve been texting for two weeks without setting up a meeting and now it’s do or die. You can only text for so long. That whole getting fired thing threw a wrench in the works though. I had to take some time to completely fall apart, pull myself together, come up with a brilliant plan, scrap that plan, come up with a shitty plan, scrap that one and then finally come up with a decent plan and stick to it. It’s been an exhausting week. I’ve been a total hermit. I haven’t been out at all. It’s time to get out there and get some blog material!!!
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